Well, I finally got my new passport last week. Here's what happened: Back in early May, I mailed my old passport in for renewal. The State Department's web site assured me that this would take about six weeks. Six weeks came and went – no passport. By eight weeks I was getting a little impatient. By ten weeks I was chomping at the bit. Finally, at about eleven weeks, I returned to the State Department web site, which provides a convenient passport query form. I duly filled out and submitted this form on the morning of August 8th. That evening, I had an email response which informed me that – by what must surely be the most astounding of coincidences – my passport had been completed and mailed out that very day! Weird. It's almost enough to make me think that the people at the passport office just basically sit on renewals until they're given a figurative kick to make them get off their fat bureaucratic asses and actually do their jobs. But that can't be true, can it?
With that hurdle successfully jumped, and a clean bill of health from my doctor, my papers are now officially in order and ready to be submitted. At least, I think so. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, the Saudis seem to have a preternatural fascination with official paperwork, so it could easily turn out that an i is dotted or a t crossed improperly. In any other situation, that would just be a figure of speech. But, given that the applications and medical forms were accompanied with instructions whose level of detail would make even the most nitpicking IRS auditor hang his head in shame, I'm not so sure. I can't rule out the possibility that the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia (doesn't that sound impressive?) could still deny my visa application for any seemingly arbitrary reason they choose.
From what I've been reading, I should get used to it. The Saudis, unlike most Americans, have an extremely deferential attitude toward authority. And that authority is applied very strictly. A number of sources have already warned me in the strongest terms about Saudi rules and taboos. Alcohol, for example, is strictly forbidden. This really isn't a problem for me, though, as I find that alcohol only serves to dull the effects of my beloved marijuana. Ha ha. No, but seriously, it really does.
So booze is unavailable in the KSA. At least officially. Off the record, many Americans and Europeans apparently brew and consume their own hooch within the walls of the Western residential compounds. This is at least tacitly permitted by the Saudi authorities, so long as no alcohol is provided to Saudi citizens. Anyone who does that is subject to the full force of Saudi law, which can be harsh by Western standards. They still have public executions, for example. Get the picture? (Even this prohibition is apparently not hard and fast, however. Rumor has it that high-ranking Saudi officials enjoy free access to alcohol, while facing none of the penalties suffered by their less influential countrymen for such a transgression. Double standards for the rich and powerful? Well, that could sure never happen at home! Oh, wait. Never mind.)
There are lots of other prohibitions. Narcotics are at the top of the list – the penalty for possession or trafficking in drugs is death. No questions asked. Other restricted items include pornography (and what they consider "pornography" could include such innocuous material as an L.L. Bean catalog. Yeah, baby, work that flannel!) and non-Islamic religious icons. With all these prohibitions, I have had to reluctantly admit that I will probably not be able to continue my lucrative side business selling crack cocaine, "Jugs" magazine, and velvet paintings of Jesus. Oh, well. The upshot of all this regulation is an enviously low crime rate. A few public floggings would probably make the streets of Detroit or Baltimore a heck of a lot safer, that's for sure.
So now it's on to more mundane matters. Like, what exactly do you pack for a year away from home? Will they have the brand of deodorant I like in Saudi Arabia (Right Guard "Xtreme" Fresh Blast Invisible Solid Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant)? What about toothpaste (Aqua Fresh Triple Protection)? Shampoo (Suave Naturals Cucumber Melon Splash)? For that matter, what about other hair products? What if – perish the thought – they don't even have hair product at all? Will I be relegated to spending a year in a foreign land without my hair having the casual, slightly-tousled look I work so assiduously to achieve? What kind of representative of my country would I be then? Not a properly metro one, that's for sure.
