Ticket To Ride... Coach

As my disappointed legion of fans are well aware, it's been a while since I've posted a new entry here at Jon of Arabia. Mostly this is because there was really nothing new or interesting to say. At least nothing worthy of the compelling subject matter I've already covered. Remember the Nipple Shadow? Yeah, it's been a hell of a ride. And I haven't even left yet.

As I write these words my departure is just over a week away. A few days ago I got my ticket confirmation – I'm flying out on Halloween night. That's a good omen, right? The first leg of the trip is a six-hour jump across the pond from Boston to London, then, after a six-hour layover (I like to use that word because it sounds vaguely titillating), another six hours on to Riyadh. That's eighteen hours in transit. I figure by the time I land I'm going to look like an extra from "Night of the Living Dead." I'll definitely need a good, stiff drink after a trip like that... oh, wait. Dammit.

The Boston-to-London leg of the trip is on American Airlines. Now, it just so happens that I have a $300 credit with American from a flight I had to cancel back in June. "Aha," I thought (yes, I actually think the word "aha"), "I'll use that credit to bump myself up to first-class." Six hours sipping Courvoisier from a crystal snifter and relaxing in a body-conforming seat richly upholstered in soft leather culled from the underbelly of fetal goats? Oh, hell yeah.

So, excited about getting my sophistication on, I called the airline. A regular, coach-class ticket to London costs just over $800. Guess how much a first-class ticket costs? Go on, guess. Don't be afraid to guess high. Just take a shot.

Seven thousand dollars. You read that correctly. A first-class ticket from Boston to London costs seven thousand dollars. That's a seven followed by three zeros. $7,000.

Could someone please explain to me just exactly what goes on in first-class that could possibly justify that price? Okay, the seats are bigger and nicer. I get that. And even my admittedly rudimentary understanding of aircraft architecture is sufficient for me to grasp that bigger seats take up more space, which means fewer passengers in a given area. But even if the seats take up twice as much space, that would still only make the ticket cost about twice as much, right? Throw in some nicer food, a hot towel, manicure, free tote bag (have you ever flown first-class? Do you know for sure that they don't give you a free tote bag? Yeah, I thought so), and that still only comes to around $2,000. What's the other $5,000 for? Any way you slice it, $7,000 is just an outrageous price for a ticket. If John Lennon and George Harrison rose from the dead and reunited with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr for one show and one show only, I might consider paying $7,000 for a ticket to see it. But only if they didn't play "Old Brown Shoe." I hate that song.

And business class costs $4,000. I guess their fetal goat leather isn't as good. Peasants.

So no first-class for me. But I'll tell you this: As God is my witness, I'm eating two bags of peanuts.