It's 3-and-a-half months before I am scheduled to leave for the Middle East, and I've already learned a few things. The first is that Saudi Arabia is properly referred to as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, abbreviated as "KSA" or simply "the Kingdom." This is the terminology that Saudis prefer, so it seems appropriate for me, as a guest in their country, to use it. Sort of like how when I have guests I like them to call me "The Baron."
The second thing I've learned is that the Saudis - or at least Saudi officials - love paperwork. In fact, they don't just love paperwork, they LOVE paperwork. They love it in a way that makes the Registry of Motor Vehicles' love of paperwork seem like nothing more than a vague but non-binding preference. I know this because of the sheer volume of paperwork that they have already sent me. My employment contract alone weighed almost a pound. That's right, it had measurable weight. There were six separate documents to it, and each document had to be completed in triplicate. No photocopies. I had to sign my name over twenty times. It's sort of like how I imagine it would be to be president, signing all those documents. Except that, unlike the current president, I can correctly spell my name without assistance well over half the time. I'm also not a draft-dodger, a former cokehead, a spoiled daddy's boy, or a shill for the big oil companies. But that's a different blog entirely.
An interesting side note is the number of times I was asked to state my religion. This really isn't all that surprising, inasmuch as the KSA is a nation dominated by religion. What's really interesting is that "none" is not an acceptable answer. It says that right on the form. It seems that a society centered on religious faith simply cannot get its brain around the idea that not everyone shares their priorities. If I were being honest, then "none" would be my choice. The recruiting agency told me that the simplest thing is to simply put down "Christian," since that's the religion Saudis associate with Americans. That makes sense. Obviously, "Judaism" isn't an option. So, after briefly considering listing myself as a Jedi, I chose the path of least resistance. Pat Robertson would be proud.
The next thing I have to do is get a "Police Clearance Letter" certifying that I am not a criminal. Something tells me that the police in my small New England town are not going to have any idea what I'm talking about. I have visions of myself walking into the police station and asking for a "Police Clearance Letter," only to be met with the kind of expressions that you might get after asking to borrow one of the squad cars for the night because you're going to a crack party and your car is too small for all the hookers to fit. We'll see.
After that I have to have a comprehensive medical exam. And I mean comprehensive. Comprehensive in a way that would cost you a lot of money in the back room of a "gentleman's club" in Rhode Island. And, of course, it has to be accompanied by a prodigious amount of paperwork, which, in an added twist, must be filled out and signed by an MD. Not a nurse practitioner. An MD. They won't even accept a DO (a doctor of osteopathic medicine, which in the United States is equivalent to a traditional MD). Have you ever tried to even get an appointment for a routine physical with an MD? It's nearly impossible. (It's ironic that one of the most common arguments that opponents of socialized medicine like to trot out is that, under such a system, there'd be "long waits" for treatment. Well, I pay a buttload of money for my private medical insurance, and I still had to wait six weeks for an appointment. And that not even with my usual doctor, but one of his partners. Don't those people ever get tired of being stupid douchebags?)
Red tape from 6,000 miles away? That's impressive.
1 comment:
The Saudis are really hung up about religion. I remember the first time I went over in June 1985, we had to fill out a stack of cards that were printed in Arabic and English. At least one of the questions on each of the cards had to do with religion. Air Force folks being such as we are, many of us wrote down a whole variety of religious preferences. I wrote down Druid Reformed (I stole that off of an old MASH episode). We waited to see if we'd have the religous police would come after us in a few days, but nothing ever came of it. No one wrote down Jewish on their cards, which we were sternly warned by our officers not to do. Even those who were Jewish couldn't write that down on their cards. The Saudis take the whole Jewish thing very seriously.
During my first trip to the kingdom, the display and/or possession of religious symbols and books, other than Islamic items, was strictly forbidden. I worked as a military customs inspector and what we would do is go onto the aircraft ahead of Saudi Customs and collect up the crosses, Bibles, Stars of David and place them in a locked diplomatic box. We'd hold it for a few days and then allow the owners to come by and pick them up. On my subsequent visits to Saudi after the Gulf War, the Saudis had eased the restrictions for the troops and simply forbid open display of anything other than Islamic symbols.
To be anything other than a Moslem in Saudi Arabia can be very difficult, particuarly if a person is used to openly displaying their faith.
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