Almost Halfway There

You know how every time you have to take a trip somewhere everything works out perfectly and there are no problems at all? No? Really? Good, I was afraid I was the only one.

People like to wax poetic about the romance and adventure of traveling. In fact, there are entire sections at bookstores devoted to it. It’s all a Big Lie. OK, sure, it’s exciting and interesting to see exotic places and all that, but the act of traveling itself just plain, flat out sucks. Airport hassles, cramped quarters, food that stretches the definition of the word “edible” to its very limits. Sure, they may seem like nothing more than a series of petty inconveniences, but taken together they become a colossal pain in the ass that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Well, alright, maybe on my worst enemy. But that bastard deserves it. (If you’re reading this now – you know what you did. I’d watch my back if I were you.)

As I write these words I’m sitting on the plane to London, the first leg of the trip to Saudi Arabia. Of course, the words aren’t being typed directly onto the blog, because although modern science is capable of allowing nerdy guys in Texas to remote-control toy cars on the surface of Mars, it has not yet figured out a way to enable us to connect to the Internet on a plane. If only there were some sort communications system on the aircraft that enabled contact with the outside world. And what if computers could somehow be made to tap into that system without wires – “wireless,” if you will – and connect to the Web? Ah, what a mad dreamer I am!

So I’m using a word processor. Once I land at Heathrow I will actually be able to post the entry. The upshot is that I have the opportunity to edit more thoroughly than usual, so you, gentle reader, may enjoy an even higher quality of wit and cutting social commentary from me than that to which you have become accustomed. Also there’ll be no tpyos.

My original intent was to spend the flight watching downloaded movies on my laptop, but that plan was thwarted by the Apple corporation. You see, I recently upgraded to their new operating system, and as a result I have to re-authorize the computer (whatever that means) before I can watch any of the videos I’ve purchased from iTunes. This “authorization” has to be done online. And, as we explored two paragraphs ago, “online” doesn’t exist at 36,000 feet. Well played, Apple. Well played indeed.

Oh, did I mention the screaming baby in the seat in front of me? Let’s just say it’s a little distracting. You could simulate the effect by putting a cat in a blender, turning it on, and then trying to write a letter to a friend while sitting beside it. (By the way, I am in no way advocating the torture of cats. Unless you happen to have a toothless dog who likes cat frappes. But only then.)

Well, according to the in-flight map we’re just to the east of Newfoundland. Only 4,000 miles to go! To the halfway point, that is.